Hope against hope ( My Jobless Time )

Every day in the morning, I go near the window and try to gaze out at the sun with my swollen eyes. With my subtle smile, I turn up my head and try to look outside in search of hope. Every day I try to search through the sky for an answer, for a sign. A sign that can perhaps tell me that today will be different, that today the world will be mine. In search of that sign, I have fatuously gazed the sky. Yet when I fail in my search for that answer, I gently turn my head away and gaze towards another source of hope. I look at the screen of my mobile phone to see if this moment is the promised moment, the moment that can rid me of my misery, the moment which can save me from ignominy. When my phone lets me down, I relentlessly try to pretend that today is not like other days that have gone past by. I relentlessly try to think that today shall not disappoint me, that today the world could still be mine.  Living in denial, I turn to my laptop to show me a sign , a sign that can save me from devastation, a sign that can save me from despair . 

    
    After some time the inevitable sense of joblessness creeps into my mind. The inevitable demise of hope storms my brain. I look outside at sunset and I see light fading away. I look at the time and I see it racing away. I turn my head down amidst despondency and despair. I go towards my couch and try to throw my thoughts away with a cup of tea. Accepting defeat, I close my eyes and sip my tea . A sense of burden shoves my shoulders, a sense of fatigue conquers my brain.

Can there be light outside ?

    A sense of hopelessness haunts me throughout the night.  A sense of insecurity shores up my fears. I go to the window again for a sign. Darkness greets me and so does despair. I go to my room and lie on my mattress. I look up towards the ceiling and hope my sleep takes away my fears. My sleep has promised to never disappoint me and it never had disappointed me and it never will. It has promised me to give me hope when I wake up and so it has always and perhaps it always will. I lease away my soul to the heavens with a covenant for hope in the morning. Somehow this is what keeps me going, this is what keeps me living.

In the next morning, I again go near the window with a subtle smile and hope, that perhaps this day shall be mine. Perhaps this day would not betray me like those before. 

In this perpetual cycle of despair-hope, I continue to strive for a day , a day that would certainly not belie my hope.