The NaySayers.

 My life to this date has been one of surprises, struggles and challenges.Most importantly it has been a life in which I have learnt a lot. These things have led me to a psychological evolution of some sorts. I used to be the same as the herd of sheep who follow the shepherd wherever he goes. I still remember in O levels , I had no clue what I was doing. I was enjoying with my friends and mostly did what they did. I felt ashamed of doing anything different, I always felt embarrassed at the hint of a mocking laughter coming at me from a “party boy”, naysayer , group of friends. I was to go with the flow or get ready for some criticism. In my first year of A-levels, as my power of reasoning and deduction grew stronger, I could not tolerate the happenings around me. A sense of emptiness had conquered me. My heart never felt satisfied anymore. They were nights which made me reflect on the days and I was disappointed at what I was becoming. A spiritual revolution followed, and I set sail on a journey that required extreme sacrifices. I was now going against the flow of my peers. I had to listen to their mocks, I had to learn to tolerate and learn to be ridiculed. I had set myself a mountain to climb. The truth is the reward was much higher. I had never felt such calmness which overthrew the emptiness that had existed within me. This is what inspired me to keep going against the flow, to keep increasing my muslim spirituality. A time came when people started branding me popular names as “extremist”, “rebel” etc. I still tolerated this with a smile and kept my journey on its course.

                                                      

 After joining NUST I thought I had evaded the past and was now ready for a fresh start. To my disappointment the naysayer group was present over there as well. The challenges were different in nature but very similar in impact. While I continued to be branded names form the society in general, I realized the naysayer group opposed any “novel idea” of any nature.They were watching you like a hawk waiting to interfere and oppose you. They  mocked you, and did nothing except that. But as I always found in situations like these, you would always come out on top eventually and that really is your supreme victory.

 What surprised me however that it was not only NUST and my school , but most of the society in Pakistan that was part of the naysayer group. I found out people in Pakistan, in general, like to interfere in other people’s affairs. They would rather live and follow the hype , like a herd  and ridicule the “rebels” . That was perhaps their favourite pastime. It disappointed me , but I kept going on my path.

To this day, I still follow the hard path, the path that is bound to give you more enemies than friends. But I still follow it, because I know the satisfaction of my heart lies in it.

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” Gandhi

Every life needs a mission statement.

It was another boring jobless night in Riyadh. The ultimate entertainment over here, for jobless people like us, normally results in friends hanging out at a billiards club or a sheesha place. Me and my friends decided to go to a nearby sheesha place as per our usual routine. I do not smoke sheesha but a sheesha place normally provides a good peaceful platform for general chitchat and the ever important discussions. 

Courtesy: Susieofarabia

Discussions are essential for a human being. They help you reflect on yourself and on the surroundings and see how exactly different you are from the outside world. I went to this gathering of ours to catch up with my fellows and meet some other people.  It turned out to be one of those sessions when you suddenly realize, that you have lived your life with these people yet you are still worlds apart. So close, yet so far.

The discussion began with the question "Yaar Pakistan ka pata nahee kya banay ga". People replied " Yaar mere paas tu nationality hai aur shukar karo tum saudia mein ho. Pakistan is lost , bus yahaan beth kar paisay kamao" . I was sitting with people who had British, Canadian nationalities and were proud of that. I was listening to arguments about Pakistan that were worthy of coming out of a “Public Enemy No.1”. I was chatting to people whose only motive was to “Get rich or die trying “. Nope, these were not monsters .Nope, they were not wannabes. Nope, they were not evil. They were and still are good hearted humans.

They were good hearted but what they lacked was a sense of purpose. They had no idea why they are here in this world. They had no idea what being Pakistani means. They had no idea what being muslim means. They had no dream.  Enjoyment is all they cared about.

The truth is they are not alone. Millions of youth in Pakistan have the same issue. They are stranglers, waiting for life to fix itself for them. They wander aimlessly to assuage their desires. They enjoy parties, go to concerts and await their fate. They do not believe in god, they believe in this world.

Nope, heroes are not born this way. Nope, leaders are not made this way. Purpose is what defines us , purpose is what makes us what we are. We must follow a set of guideines, ideals that can guide us in life and make us live by a code. Life becomes soul less  if we do not. It is ever more important for Pakistani youth to know this since they make the major bulk of the 17 million people. Unless you have a purpose, you really do not have a life. 

Every life, no matter how unimportant one feels, needs a mission statement.

“Dream as if you will live forever,live as if you will die today” James Dean

Confessions of a sinful soul .

I write this in a state of sorrow. I write this in a state of confusion. I write this because I don’t know what I have become. Perhaps I have become a boastful monster with no real good, or perhaps I have gone one degree worse. Perhaps I have become an ambitious hypocrite with no real virtue. Perhaps the atmosphere has systematically eroded the righteousness that had, some time before, found a home in my heart. I live a life of supreme hypocrisy. I live in an age of ultimate tyranny. I see tyrants torture two pious souls in Sialkot (video), yet I casually carry on and laugh around. I preach to the world to stand up, yet I sluggishly live my own hypocritical life.  My heart remains in a constant battle .A war with no end in sight. It hardens up but then softens bleeding tears of sadness as a testament to what has gone wrong. I write this because this is the truth. I no longer fear the one all mighty. I no longer tremble at the sounds of recitation. 

 I know the ideals, I lack the will. I know the path, I refuse to walk. I chose the path but now I refuse to submit. My conscious knows I have done wrong. My conscious knows I have gone astray. Yet I wait and wait as if I am the chosen soul. The one free from judgment, the one free form any sort of consequences. I carry the hope of one billion people on my shoulders.  Every day one billion people search through the sky. Every day one billion people solicitously await a glimpse of hope. They await a savior, they await a hero. They await a shining star, they put their faith in me .I have let them down. I have crumbled. I have self destructed.

 I boast ideals, yet I bow down to materialism. I boast piety, yet I project evil. I am the worst kind. I deserve to be ridiculed. I deserve to be tortured. I deserve calamities, I deserve worse.I sleep tonight keeping in my mind the hypocrisies and the evils committed by me today , knowing very well they will all be a distant memory once I wake up. 

I am nothing, but a sinful soul.

Chaklala Scheme III Part 3

Somewhere in 2006,
  

   
     It was 8:30 am on a very bright sunny day in a characteristically humid pindi september. I couldn’t sleep the night before due to the inevitable anxiety that was choking my heart. The anxiety was due to the “orientation day” that was being organized by my university .On this mighty morning I wore my army styled uniform , which pretty much reminded me of school , and began my journey of discovery . I went outside of my mamu’s house and started searching for the world beating ,world renowned university for which I had travelled so many miles , known as NUST . I asked a person  to where exactly is NUST . He said “ Sir yahaan Nust ka pata nahee , lekan aik kooi center hai ithay chib plaza vich “ . I smiled , and thought how on earth can a pindi man not know a university of the stature of NUST . I  constantly asked everyone in the  scheme III main market about its locality but was getting mixed responses. Most of the people told me that “sir ye chib plaza mein kuch hai “ . Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to investigate this “chib plaza “ . As I came near the plaza and looked up , thoughts and visions started storming my brain. It was a moment I wished never had happened. My heart suddenly rattled , my lips shivered , and my eyes augmented with rage .

                            Sadly, Scheme III NUST

  I saw the words  “Nust institute of information technology” written on a shoddy old building for which I had travelled so many miles. I strongly felt at that particular moment that I had been made a fool , that I had been robbed of an award . I was left furiously  confused  and decided to go back to my house and ponder upon what just happened . 

  
  
  After moments of meditation , It became clear to me that this was not a nightmare , that this was really where I got admitted.  Frustrated as I was, I still decided to go on to the university . As  I went to talk to the administration  in a very mature casual fashion , I soon realized that “casual” was not the favoured way of conversation at NUST , a place full of retired army professionals. Even the security guard was treating and looking at me as a notorious infidel .  I quickly escaped this “army” ruled barracks and found a fellow who was going to the orientation ceremony  and quickly jumped in his car.

    

  These were to be the initial one-sided skirmishes between me and the administration which in the later part of my university life paved the way for balanced battles and wars. I did come to realize though that this was not the fictional university life portrayed in movies , rather it was to be a unique , a very unique experience which I felt , at that time , I was unlucky to have.

Kitna badal gaya insaan

“Then your hearts hardened after that, so that they were like rocks, rather worse in hardness; and surely there are some rocks from which streams burst forth, and surely there are some of them which split asunder so water issues out of them, and surely there are some of them which fall down for fear of Allah, and Allah is not at all heedless of what you do.” 2:74

I look out at the world today with a feeling of surprise and disappointment. My eyes after gazing out at the very strange world outside , bleed tears of sadness. They pray for blindness rather than sight. My heart prays for silence rather than constant beating. My brain prays for a silent demise rather than a constant analysis.

There was a time some years ago , when I was in grade eight perhaps , I went for umrah and I still remember how I reacted when I saw an old Pakistani woman , lost from her family. I innocently yet effectively went straight to her and decided to take her to a nearby Pakistani community. Tears fell from my eyes when I saw her reunited with her family.

                               Courtesy: Ahsan Saleem


Some years later, I see a nation drowning in water, yet my heart decides to turn hard and indifferent. I see a nation on the verge of destruction, yet my eyes fool me into discarding it as a misguided thought. Apathy has invaded me, altruism has evaded me.

I long for the days of innocence to come back. I long for the days when my heart used to shatter at the sight of sorrow, when my eyes used to weep at the sight of sadness.

At nights I sit down, by a tree in a state of meditation and ponder upon the evolution of the humans around me. I look at my friends, I see them submerged in problems of their own, I look at strangers and apathetic torpor greets me. I look at myself and I see a hypocrite awaiting to know his fate. Even the trees around me emanate a colour that is both yellow and green. A sense of duplicity surrounds us . A sense of hypocrisy invades us .

It would seem that evolution is real . Man has evolved from being a loving, caring creature to a hateful, indifferent one. There used to be times when people used to feel the difficulties of others.

Sadly , the reality today is exactly opposite. Kitna badal gaya hai insaan ?